14 June, 2020
From the Desk of Principal J.J. Burns
Draft: All-school PA announcement re: Burns lawsuit
Good morning students and staff of Ranford High School, this is Principal Burns.
Today is Monday the 15th of June; it is 8:15am and the outside temperature is 19 degrees Celsius.
As a result of a civil lawsuit, this morning’s school update begins with a court-mandated apology.
Apology begins: Attention, student Kevin Davies; Ranford High School acknowledges and apologises for the extended bullying you have received in your time here, and resolves to put measures in place to prevent further bullying. Apology ends.
Speaking personally, I regret the distraction this protracted lawsuit has caused, and hope we can put this divisive time behind us all and move forward.
There have been some changes to the school rules:
- The act of committing a ‘Vicious Kevin’ will now be known by its more traditional name, the wet fart. The slang term ‘shart’ remains banned out of consideration for Year 8 student Craig Shartsbury. We all support you, Craig.
- Further, use of hurtful and degrading terms like ‘total Kev’, or ‘he-stroke-she is a sub-Kevin’, or ‘Kevin-toucher’ are also now banned and their use will be punished with detention.
- Student Kevin Davies will no longer be required to attend all detention sessions, and Ranford High School acknowledges per court order that the presence of Kevin Davies does not quote ‘make it worse’ end quote.
The school’s charter of staff conduct has been updated to clarify that the principle of ‘no violence will be tolerated’ applies to all students. The changed policy will come into effect next Monday.
Similarly, the school’s Bullying Policy has been retitled and is now the Anti-Bullying Policy. The Bullying Contact Staff-member has been re-designated and is now the Anti-Bullying Contact Staff-member. The Kevin Davies Medical Centre will be renamed, reverting to the previous designation of Second-Floor Boys Bathroom. The Kevin Davies Pre-Memorial Toilet will be renamed, reverting to the previous designation of North Stairwell.
I will now present the Social & Cultural update:
- An announcement for students in Ms Harris’ Culture Studies class: you will no longer receive bonus exam marks for presenting the examiner with articles of Kevin Davies’ clothing, hair or skin. You have been warned: study hard.
- The end-of-year scavenger hunt will be postponed pending clarification of a recent legal decision determining whether the school is required to find someone or something else to hunt. I understand many will be upset by this; you know who to blame.
- The Drama Club’s winter performance will be the musical ‘Wicked’. I am sure it will be a memorable performance and encourage all staff and students to attend. Refunds for the previously scheduled performance, ‘Sixteen Scenes From the Stolen Diary of Kevin Davies’ will be available from Mr Turner’s room during the lunch period.
Some disciplinary matters: It has been reported that a student at this school has stolen Kevin Davies’ backpack from outside the gym. If whoever has done this shameful thing comes forward today and returns the backpack unharmed, you will not be punished. In an change to policy, you will also not be rewarded. Ranford school apologises for any financial impact this may have on affected students.
Finally, I have received yet another report of Human Faeces floating in the pool. I am extremely disappointed in this shocking lack of maturity. I expect, no – demand better of Ranford High School staff and students. The next time someone has to report Human Faeces being discovered in the school, remember to use his proper name; Kevin Davies.
Thank you for your attention.